Because this is how I do.

So you're a new intern. It's your first day at the office. You're overdressed, overhyped, overexcited, and overerect. You don't know what to expect. You kind of hope you can handle the work they give you. I remember asking myself, "I hope this job won't be too difficult. I don't want to seem like a dumbass."

Don't worry about anything. No matter what department you're in, you will invariably be put into a place where you're stuck with files. Stacks and stacks of files and folders that seem to exist for no real reason. Your task is to a) re-arrange, b) put together c) take apart said files and folders. You're working diligently. You report to your boss when you've finished your job. You smile proudly at your work. Unfortunately, your boss dislikes smiles, and then gives you more work.

This is when you learn that the less work you do, the better. But how can you look like you're doing work, without doing work? And more importantly, you should be asking yourself: How can I make not-working fun?

Fortunately, I have the answers. In list format.

The File Shuffle: Simple technique. Not that fun, but to be fair, it gets people off your ass for a while. Basically, you take about 4 or 5 folders, and you keep rearranging them, bottom up. The trick is to look intently at each file for about 5-10 seconds before each rearrangement.

Why this is effective: Well, since you are a worthless intern, higher-ups, and even your direct supervisor won't really give a shit about you. They just want to make sure that you're not wasting company money/time. And they gauge this by the amount of movement/unhappiness you have. Recommended for beginners.

The Sing-Along: This should only be possible for those of you that are allowed to listen to your ipods during work. Put on your favorite playlist. Pretend to be reading off memos or whatnot, with a questioned look on your face, while just mouthing off lyrics. Bonus: Let your co-workers see you lip-syncing "Hold your hands high niggas, here's the battle cry for all my niggas" And if they give you a confused look, just smile. That's true baller status.

Why this is effective: It gives you something to do. And yeah. You can show your true gangstah. Recommended for wiggers.

The Paperclip Pond: Undoubtedly, you will have collected hundreds, if not thousands of paperclips after your first couple of days in the file room. Never throw these away, they can end up being your only means of retaining your sanity. What do you do? Well, out of the pond, take about 3 or 4 paperclips. Use these clips to create a hook, a line, and a rod. After that, aim for colored paperclips.

Why this is effective: No one in your office will think that anyone is retarded enough to actually play this game. Recommended for interns that get a lot of paperclips/the clinically insane.

High Hi-Lite Art: In an office where you may have eyes on you, doodling isn't nearly as easy as it was in high school. Fortunately, a great man created the Hi-Liter. And I just realized that Hi-Liter shares an unusually high number of letters with Hitler. So maybe that man wasn't so great. Anyway, whatever. Be sure to draw with hi-liters only. And color only in straight lines. Deep deep strokes. When you're done, bring your nose to your masterpiece, and sniff to your heart's content.

Why this is effective: Highlighting is important when dealing with bitchwork. You'll never be suspected of doing something non-work related when you scribble away diligently with your hi-liter. It's even easier if you're drawing on a cardboard box. Heil Hi-Liter! Recommended for: Kids who used to eat glue in elementary school. You fucking idiots.

Well, that's enough for today kids.

The next lesson? The who's who, and how to deal with other interns.

-Intern X